There are events and people beyond our control who affect our lives in deeper ways that we can comprehend. 2020 was such an year for me. A most memorable year. I knew it from the moment our honorable PM announced a lockdown in March 2020 that my JEE was going to be a much different ride than how I had envisioned it.

Some people are unfazed by sitting in front of a screen for hours, listening through a headphone clasped around their skull. I feel suffocated. Pandemic time was memorable as school teachers and coaching tried to make sense of online education, setting standards, and establishing SOPs. They failed of course but anyway, that’s not the point. I analysed why my body has such a drastic physical aversion to attending a lecture digitally. Every student has a unique pedagogical approach to learning, by listening, watching, reading, or discussing. I pay attention in class. Perhaps, it’s a residue of the “be a good boy” attitude instilled in me by mom and dad. 100% attendance is another one. I reckon I have to begin fighting these habits. I can’t focus on a screen because of time lag and the constant jittery noise of microphones. My brain can’t perceive the nuances of teaching, like the instructor’s body language or tone modulation. A certain class decorum like sitting at a desk and actually taking notes on paper. These things are important to me. Some of them couldn’t materialize. Who is to be blamed? No one. I am responsible for fucking up my JEE because it was all my fault (so does my father say).

I lost interest in learning after a day or two I guess. It was obvious nobody knew how to handle the new environment. Everything was hit and trial. Rampant cheating in examinations and assessments, incompetent invigilation, false positives. Examinations were the worst with static from the headphone, noises from a distracting environment, teachers shouting over a one-voice channel, sounds mixing in a mass of gibberish, I truly hated the experience. Then, there was rounding up innocent students who are genuinely writing the paper while the crook got away with their objective. (And yet after all that, they had the audacity to put a number to our capabilities at the end of the year).

I found other avenues to stimulate my curiosity. Reading blogs, discovering music, reading a lot of books. I started you. And then, I started to learn web development. I participated in hackathons and did freelancing. I introduced myself to so many ideas that nobody ever tells anyone. I had a whiff with reality. Last year was the happiest time. I have a head rush thinking about it now but I found myself.

Note: This year has been so confusing that most of these events have mushed up inside my head into one untangible mass that I can’t make sense of anymore. This might be anachronistic but this is roughly how I remember it to have happened.

And yet, looming in the dark was the shadow of the inevitable, the impeding JEE Advanced examination. I was enrolled in FIITJEE Kolkata in 9th grade. Back then, I didn’t know what the stakes were and even now, I don’t. My first point of failure: KVPY SX 2020 (which was conducted in Jan 2021 after postponements). I had an AIR of 520 in KVPY SA. Everybody at home was in gloom. I felt underconfident. And yet, I was nonchalant. In fact, it aggravated. The clubbed national level science olympiad examinations came and went. I felt nothing over those two days, no exam anxiety or excitement or fear. I had no idea where I was going. At that point, I had no one to talk to. The only real people were my parents who are generously uninterested about how I feel and my little sister who I wasn’t so close with. I was really alone. No online meets or voice calls. There were days where I could go on without using my vocal cords. Somehow, I got a FIITJEE friend’s number.

NTA announced 4 JEE Mains for my batch’s extraordinary circumstances. Mains 1 went horrible. I was a really bright and promising student in coaching and school. Mains 1 felt like I was a backbencher in some government house with a punk friend. The usual house drama ensued. I cried my fucking hearts out. Nobody cared about me. But I got serious. I knew I needed something hard to hit me to get me out of my stupor of academic inactivity. So, in essence, here I was: a promising student fucking up his life. But I studied. There wasn’t much time gap so I couldn’t be as prepared as I wanted to but I work very well in time-constrained environment. I have a short focus span but it’s incredibly focussed. I go into trances while working on something I love like software or writing. Anyway, the results showed. I was in the 99 percentile club. Just to skip a bit ahead in the story, this was to be my best performance in JEE Mains 2021. Then, somewhere towards the end of March, the second wave enrobed India.

Horrible news of dead bodies stacked. Mothers and fathers crying. People running for oxygen cylinders. I was pained. All schedules exams got postponed indefinitely. No time-constraints to work under! Things got bleak again. Classes kept trudging along painfully. I wasn’t even attending half of them now. I noticed myself coming up with alibis and lying to my parents. The truth was I couldn’t take it anymore. I tried to self-study a bit watching my friends all way more ahead and focussed than me. I tried explaining how I operate to my mother. All she did was looked at me in the eye, screamed at me and said something that hurt.

I tried reaching out online. Chatting aimlessly in Discord servers. Memorizing nonsense sticker codes. I quickly realised all that was not my forte. I even tried [Omegle][0]. Found a nice country Tennesse girl. Then, she got all weird about a relationship and I quickly ejected myself from the situation. A couple of days in a year of 365. I felt floating in space without an astronaut suit, unaware of which way was up. Somewhere around this time, IISERs (group of premier research institutions in India) opened their admission portal. I applied. But just because there was nothing else to do. My friends were confident about getting IITs. I wasn’t even sure how I would survive the year. Oh, and after much drama, the CBSE examinations (equivalent to high school graudation) got cancelled. I felt like banging my head against the wall.

Way too many people describe themselves as introvert these days on socials. Perhaps because it sounds so cool. Vulnerable. Warm. Approachable. Friendly. Mellow. Who doesn’t want to look like these? But, it’s funny how telling someone that you are introvert defeats the idea that you’re one. Can there be nothing that people won’t twist and manipulate for their own selfish good? Being an introvert is the worst possible thing in this world. I know how it feels. But here, I have said it.

And, then I found this girl on Omegle. I have a strange attraction towards older girls because they are more mature. They understand better the nuances of life. Or maybe because I’m just a precocious soul damned into a younger body. But we clicked. Past midnight talks on Instagram, voice messages (just two), writing blog posts about her. I was a totally different person. Four days into our courtship, I panicked. And then that was that. Pages of explanation in my diary. Hours of thinking about “what ifs”. And getting even more irritated by the fact that I was just like everybody else.

Generally, the other entrance examinations happen after the JEEs so people have a clear picture of their options. This year, it all went out the window. Ask people who cared, it was really stressful (Even now, as I’m writing this, some of my friends are still double-enrolled in two univs. Herd psychology). I applied for WBJEE (our state level engineering examination), ISI (premier mathematics institute), and UGEE (entrace exams to IIITs, go-to place for Computer Science research) hoping to get just about anything. I was desperate, anxious, and tired. 3 consecutive exams. All passed by in a blur. I remember a girl from FIITJEE (probably SPHS) who was at St. Xavier’s for the ISI exam and deciding the whole time if I should finally talk to her. I had seen her for 4 years without a ‘Hi’. In the end, I couldn’t. That’s all I remember. UGEE online interview was a stressful event. Waiting all day for a 5 min interaction. I didn’t get in. Mains 3 and 4 came and went by too. Somewhere around here, I applied for IISc just because I could. I had zero hope of getting in. WBJEE went horribly. Parents and relatives who knew I was good were shocked with my result. They expected a “top 10 rank”. My rank was 823. And then, I fucked up the choice filling. Everybody was confident I would get into JU as a buffer so I would concentrate on JEEA, based on my category. I got nothing. I remember the horror that ran down my spine as I logged in and saw the words “You have not been allotted any seat in round 1” in bright red smacked across the screen. I was dumbstruck. I couldn’t sleep. Then, the question hit me with terrific force, like being beaten against a rock: “What now?” I didn’t know. I knew I couldn’t get my dream seat in IIT now. It was simply too late. Advanced date was looming closer. I got my first vaccine. Gathered all my courage for one last time. Charted a gameplan. Do or die.

Received an email from IISc Bangalore. I was selected into their 4 year Bachelor of Science programme. I told this to my dad and he was elated. “Beta, IIT jaana hai ya IISc. Bus.” That was what he said few months back when I asked what he thinks I should do. Mom was okay with everything. My head was a little happier. Phew, a buffer. I know I would work hard for IIT. Computer Science. That’s the love of my life. The way fishes swim freely in the seas. Or the lion that roars so confidently in the jungle. I adore Computer Science just as much. It is my domain. Not for the packages or whatever the herd does but for the sheer love of learning the subject. I would work my ass off, wouldn’t I? Right? RIGHT?! And yet, a very very tiny but very sure voice in my head said, No. It said I would grow complacent and accept my fate at IISc even though fundamental research is not my interest. I was pained and hollow inside though I kept a smiling face to match everybody else’s around me.

After another traumatising episode of overcoming my reluctance to even appear for the exam (thank you papa), I isolated myself at my uncle’s spare house for a couple weeks before JEE Advanced, slated to finally happen on October 3rd, 2021, a date forever etched in my memory. I imagined what it would feel like after the exam. The sum total of 4 years of dedication and perseverance and sacrifices measured, graded, and assigned a number. Anyway, I learnt human anatomy sitting alone in that beautiful, quiet, airy room. I love being alone when I want to. I was with my books. My books. Not J.D. Lee or I.E. Irodov. I wrote stories. I wasted time. I watched movies (That’s how I completed “Back to the Future” trilogy). I just can’t operate in an environment where someone else tells me what to do. I didn’t study. It was impractical anyway. Moreover, to my horror, I noticed that I was moulding my ways into that of an IIScian. I talked as if I was already an IISc student and somehow I felt…proud of it. I became disgusted with myself. Not because being an IISc student is looked down upon (heck, it’s one of the most-sought after programmes in the country) but because of my inability to chart my own course and let fate decide my future as I complacently stood by. Who was I?

Exam day came and went. Just another day at TCS iON Sector 5 facility (6 exams in 2021 alone). Frantic ‘Hi’s and ‘Hello’s in the corridor to known faces, eyes meeting lots of strangers, collecting my bag from the basement vehicle parking lot, few FIITJEE friends discussing the paper trend, sitting in a friend’s car during a break, somebody taken admission CSE in JU (Jadavpur University) already, couple of them in BITS, and me talking about research and IISc putting on the bravest face I could muster. I went home and felt hollow. Papers and Answer Keys started pouring in. Discussions. My mind was totally shunned from all that. It’s slightly annoying how most people remember what they did a day before “the D-Day” but I don’t. I wasn’t studying though.

So, here I stood. IISc it would be. Done and dusted, no more questions asked. I went to school to collect some documents and teachers were elated to hear about my admission. Everybody regarded me with utmost cordiality and respect. To be fair, getting into IISc is a tough game. I studied the 4 years of BSc programme in front of me. Interacted with seniors. And I knew I didn’t want to do it. The programme is jam packed with academics. And all I had learnt in my previous personal learning experiences was that I wanted a lot of time of my own. So, in a way I was mutilating my dreams. But was there any choice?

Results announced. 13K GEN, ~3K category. FIITJEE felicitation ceremony. A good friend from my starting days at FIITJEE and a SPHSian (South Point High School) and me started talking and that’s when he said what I knew but wanted to hear from someone else: IISc is a completely different lifestyle. I didn’t say anything but I knew what he meant. The chronology gets really messed up here but I remember the final nail in the coffin came from a IISc senior who just stormed into our Whatsapp group and started spitting facts early one morning. That ironed my resolute and I knew this wasn’t for me. I remember this: Come to IISc only if you’re very sure you want to do this and nothing else. I remember I made a spreadsheet at one point. I was reluctant to sit for JoSAA because 1) I was humiliated by my rank 2) I had no fucking clue what sort of research goes into filling the choices, what branches were available at the IITs and what sort of trends exists. But I sat for the counselling.

Lack of knowledge, know-how, and expertise as highlighted above lead to a very erratic and erroneous counselling experience for me. Even now when I think about it, had I been more calculative about my choices I might have ended up at a “better” branch. I couldn’t optimize myself. Anyway, this started towards the end of October. I called distant seniors at various IITs asking for their advise. I literally begged people for the SAF (Seat Acceptance Fees) and I am so lucky and grateful to say (like everything else in my academic life till now), two people (my uncle and one of my teachers) procured the money at a very short notice. I won’t forget my uncle calling me to collect the money in an hour since I told him. That was the last day for entering JoSAA. If it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t have been an IITian. And then, the grueling month ahead began. Checking the JoSAA schedule. Learning about IITs steadily. I was alloted IIT KGP Metallurgical Engineering in my mock rounds and IIT Delhi Textile and Fibre Engineering in Round 1. After much thought, I opted to slide. But it was of not much use. For 6 rounds, I woke up each morning with a start and an uneasy chilling sensation down my spine. I felt terror. WTF was I doing? I had cancelled my candidature at IISc on October 30th. This was beyond the point of no return. I was always on my toes. No mistakes or reruns of the fucking WBJEE counselling episode because that would potentially mean a drop year for me. I was absolutely alone. No one to guide me. In the meantime, I met with my teachers here from middle school and so on. It is such a pleasant feeling to know some teachers adore you (because I was adorable and innocent in middle school I guess). Round 6 declared. 4 year Bachelor of Technology in Textile Engineering at IIT, Delhi.

I had taken an unprecedented full U-turn for my career path. Elders and uncles who knew me were convinced that I had no fucking clue what I wanted or was doing with my life which is only partially true. I was bittersweet. I knew I was going to one of the finest engineering schools in the country. The hub of innovation and creation. But whenever, I told them I was in Textile branch, all they uttered was, “Oh”. There. I was judged. But who are people to judge me? TT1 (as I soon learnt from the IITD handbook) was a low content course which meant more time to pursue my own passions and projects. IIT is supposed to be the ideal breeding grounds for my ideas. But I had a mountain of knowledge to assimilate first; the culture, academics, admission process, and so on.

Prepping at a mind numbing pace, in a matter of three to four days of stressful work, somehow my father and I have managed to procure the first semester money. That was a loan, of course. There were many, many unspoken hurdles that kept cropping along the way. The Income certificate offered a challenge. I was again saved by my extremely talented and knowledgeable father who knew exactly what to do. I was exhausted that day. In a couple of days, I had my certificate. Now, let’s elaborate on the IITD admission process which comprises filling around 15 forms, apart from documents and money. I remember not receiving the welcome email (which contained my entry number) because I was one of those who finalized later in JoSAA counselling. I remember paying the money, organizing, compressing, and submitting those PDFs. I began interacting with other students on Whatsapp and Discord. I started learning the IITD “lingo” (which to be honest, is an overdo and impractical). My parents started lecturing me on the climate and the girls. I just listened to everything. I was happy they were concerned about me. I calculated anticipated tuition fee for the programme and realised I have to apply for student loan. But those were the details. I felt a strange mix of anxiety, excitement, hope, and fear inside me.

And then, just like that, on an ordinary pleasant morning, I clicked the “JOIN” button into my first mock APL100 class and ushered the new life ahead of me.

PS: I asked a question boldly in Delhi accent in one of the classes and surprised myself. I was fitting in. And then, I thought to myself, “Eh, I’ll be fine”.