Univs on Basil Labib

The Minority

gs454236@gmail.com (Basil Labib) — Wed, 19 Jan 2022 09:28:23 +0530

This post should have come 20 days before, but I couldn’t gather the peace of mind to actually sit down and write it. But since 20 days have elapsed, let’s make it a narration of my experience so far at IITD.

I appeared for my first university minor exams, a new experience. I met seniors and club representatives and got myself involved in a small development project for Rendezvous, our institute’s cultural fest. I arranged for a bicycle from a senior and got it repaired from the shop yesterday. The Omicron variant is out at large, and the management is apprehensive of keeping students on campus. Most of my wingmates and friends have returned home. I just don’t feel like going home, that 24-hour journey, all the packing, I hate that. Besides, the Delhi cold is suiting my skin in a way (Although it’s too dry than I want it to be). As a result, I’m alone in my wing with few other boys, typing away at my laptop, looking out the window, and strumming the guitar I borrowed until mine arrives. No, but really, I like not having to make small talk with people, being disrupted doing something important, putting my thought into behaving.

I was sitting in my room studying calculus (my MTL100 quiz wasn’t particularly good) at New Year’s Eve. There was a knock at the door, and suddenly my friends bashed into my room. Now, I couldn’t say no to their proposition that we order something and wind down, and we ended up ordering pizza and stuff. But that isn’t the point. That night I discussed movies and pop culture with a friend from EE dept. and he remarked, “You’ll find yourself in the minority here.” And try as I could, I cannot get that remark out of my head. If I find myself in the minority here, is this the place for me? I couldn’t help but think, he’s right. I have found myself interacting with students who had to suppress every bit of creative enthusiasm they had only to clear the JEEs. I found myself detesting our education system. These are not stories one reads in newspapers; they are real people with real passions. I hope to find a reciprocative, amicable peer group here. Because I’m so fucking tired of being alone. There was a dialogue in the BBC series “Sherlock” by Benedict Cumberbatch, “The frailty of genius, John. It needs an audience.”

Reaching IIT Delhi

gs454236@gmail.com (Basil Labib) — Wed, 22 Dec 2021 19:19:40 +0530

Abstract

This post is a penned down expression of my personal experience. It is considerably less “lean” and “unpolished”. That is by choice, as I wanted to capture the spontaneity of the moments. What you’re about to read is arguably personal so be considerate! Have fun!

Dec 21, 2021 8:17

I look out the scratched glass window out at the receding landscape. it’s buildings and bridges. The sun is above my head, looking directly down at me, kissing me gently. And the railway tracks meander and merge like serpents and timelines, streaks of solid steel gleaming in the sun, hypnotizing the wry traveler like the sirens of Messina.

Dec 21, 2021 9:27

Kinda irritated by my perpetually dripping nose. Since I’m putting my mask on, all the allergy germs are trapped inside and hence aggravating the condition. Feeling very tired and sleepy. Managed to download important material for Wednesday’s calculus exam. The landscape outside is testimony to our capacity as savages, marring the natural habitat with electric lines and power grids and distant concrete cages. Quite smoggy.

Slanting sunrays on a lazy smoggy landscape

And the sun is stronger.

When you see why you cannot see

Dec 21, 2021 11:03

A quick nap rejuvenated my body. Found little internet connectivity at Asansol.

Dec 21, 2021 11:23

I remembered this poem I read a long, long time ago:

“Faster than fairies, faster than witches
Bridges and houses, hedges and ditches. . .”

Not sure who the poet is. (It’s From a Railway Carriage by Robert Louis Stevenson. I googled).

Dec 21, 2021 12:37

Wow, MTL proofs are like elusive ravishing nymphs. Beautiful when one can glimpse them but still outside one’s grasp.

Dec 21, 2021 16:04

Cold has aggressed. Runny nose with the distinct sharp headache that I have become so familiar with. Train near Patna. Since we’re in Bihar, dad has lost his seat to two illegitimate passengers (essentially pirates or hitchhikers). I luckily saved my upper berth by laying down before the ambush.
PS: I have to take a paracetamol pill.

Dec 21, 2021 17:52

So much free time, my mind is wandering in the most useless of thought fields. Can’t study due to headache.

Dec 21, 2021 20:50

I’m writing this being sandwiched between two layers of the same blanket from above and below, my head resting on the wedge formed by my backpack and my duffel, whilst lying on the upper side berth of a moving train bound for New Delhi. My first ever visit to the capital. I’m in pain from the bitter cold of this AC couch and the headache which has become routine anyway. Life’s good, if it weren’t for this headache I might have said to have actually enjoyed this journey.

I talked with mother on the phone and to be honest, I have already begun to miss her. I was overwhelmed when I realised again just how fucking lucky I am to have two people who love me and care for me so much. I’m so so grateful for what my parents have done for me. And I love them so much.

As I close my eyes, I can hear the rumbling of the train wheels on the tracks as we zoom past strange fields and meadows and towns in the dark night. I can hear chattering passengers, occasional shouts from peddlers, and suddenly disturbing phones that goes off unwelcomed. I admit that I’m more poetic in the morning. I took my paracetamol, and close my eyes resting assured that the molecules will faithfully do what they are supposed to and I’ll feel better in the morning.

PS: Hands are hurting. I’m holding my phone whilst lying which is an utterly uncomfortable position.

Dec 22, 2021 01:20

Woke up from clammering at the adjacent compartment. Father went to the washroom so I had to stand guard. What has changed? The pill worked! Like hell! I don’t feel any headache. The train is jolting across the night as it should. It’s quite comfortable, the resonance of these metal cages. I’ll go back to wrapping myself in my blanket now. I have runny nose now.

Dec 22, 2021 05:38

The outside is still a medley of dark and light. I can see flourescent orange-yellow lights zipping past me and small stations that the train doesn’t stop at, empty concrete benches illuminated by lampposts, the familiar black on yellow scheme used by the Indian railways to write station names.

Dec 22, 2021 08:10

A rather contrived attempt at appreciating the symmetry.

Breath freezing into fog. Very chilly hands. Off boarded at 6:30. Now, in this rather boring waiting room that costs money for holding up. In hindsight, a rather interesting (and lucrative) entrepreneurial idea. Missing out on very important quantum mech class. Stable internet connectivity.

Dec 22, 2021 09:41

Delhi is so much better than Kolkata, in terms of planning and infrastructure, which I value so much.

It’s a pleasant bright sunny day, just like a glossy cherry sitting atop a cake. Warm.

Connaught Place, New Delhi

Here’s Connaught Place, the “heart” of Delhi, from the cab.

Dec 22, 2021 : a later time into the night, reminiscing about the day

New Delhi is so much better than Kolkata. I’m not sure why my father is so pickled by Delhites but apart from their linguistic differences (to which I’ll return soon in a future post), I find them alright. And New Delhi? Boy, did it make a good first impression. Way better infrastructure, better more planned roads, larger spaces. I know it is very early (and hence silly) to form any opinions but that’s alright. It’s time I learn about this city and her secrets.

DAMN IT’S COLD OUT HERE! But then, I have spent all my life in the tropical comfort of Kolkata (not to mention the sultry summers), well-moderated by the Bay of Bengal. It seems like cold wind is seeping into my room like a slow, evil serpent and slowly entangling me in its grip, inspite of the glass windows. My hands and feet are numb. Hey, there’s a knock at the door. Wait, let me get that….Oh, woah,

Soumik sir: “Hello, Basil. How are you? Any issues at settling?”

Me: “ummm….erhgh….ughh, wow, hello sir! It’s such a surprise to see you here!”

Soumik sir: “Haha, yes. Have you talked to your seniors?”

Me: “Actually sir, I’m preparing for a math quiz tomorrow. But will gradually meet everyone.”

Soumik sir: “Ah, alright, alright. Make yourself comfortable.”

Me: “Thank you sir. Thanks very much.”

I closed the door. Woah. What the hell just happened. Did my chem prof just came to greet me? Was I decent enough? And that’s exactly how spontaneous it happened. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I met my first prof outside the threshold of my room in a dimly lit corridor, my mind clogged by 1) the spontaneity of the situation 2) the awkward role it found itself in.

Returning back. Yes, the cold. Normal drinking water seems like what would have been taken out of a freezer back in Kolkata. I take sips reluctantly lest I fancy becoming dehydrated. Have to build a sort of heat exchanger.

I’m all wrapped up and warm. The trick to be sufficiently wrapped up and minimize physical activity. A man delivered a packet of food. I have a few essentials to fetch tomorrow and my first uni calculus exam.

PS: I was so tired from all the walking around, buying mattress and toothbrushes that I didn’t click the “religiously mandatory” pic in front of the banner. Will do it tomorrow or maybe day after that. Promise.

The First 15 Days

gs454236@gmail.com (Basil Labib) — Wed, 08 Dec 2021 13:39:15 +0530

I wanted to capture my exact thought processes and emotional turbulence during the first 15 days of “housewarming” (if so you will) at IITD. This is that post.

One line summary for the TLDR peeps: Overwhelming. Hectic. Slightly intimidating academically and abysmally solitary.

We had our rightful hostel online meet on December 1st. I’m from Udaigiri. A serious meetup where our BSW reps laid down the rules and regulations of the hostel. Things like the disciplinary committee (DisCo), abuses, tolerance, offensive views, and so on. I would, obviously, respect other people and uphold the integity and sanctity of the university. And yet, one never knows when one crosses a line, either consciously or unconsciously, which is something that I must admit I’m a bit apprehensive about. It was also slightly uncomfortable being told to follow rules that should be given for a freshman. I mean, respecting girls, tolerance towards diverse views etc., ain’t these basic ideals of a civilized individual? Yet, as I was about to learn, IITD isn’t as safe and glorious as I had thought (Will come back to it later).

IITD has a rigorous and elaborate scheme of regulatory and control committees. It makes sense if one views the conundrum from the insitute’s perspective. Every year, it welcomes ~1.5K students from all across the nation which implies people from Kerala to Ladakh. Tips of Gujarat to Assam. Naturally, such regional diversity is manifested in other aspects of these young bright minds: cultural differences, language barriers, and even financial disparity. The institute has to take the initiative to prevent the culture to degenerate into

The Accidental IITian

gs454236@gmail.com (Basil Labib) — Thu, 25 Nov 2021 18:43:35 +0530

There are events and people beyond our control who affect our lives in deeper ways that we can comprehend. 2020 was such an year for me. A most memorable year. I knew it from the moment our honorable PM announced a lockdown in March 2020 that my JEE was going to be a much different ride than how I had envisioned it.

Some people are unfazed by sitting in front of a screen for hours, listening through a headphone clasped around their skull. I feel suffocated. Pandemic time was memorable as school teachers and coaching tried to make sense of online education, setting standards, and establishing SOPs. They failed of course but anyway, that’s not the point. I analysed why my body has such a drastic physical aversion to attending a lecture digitally. Every student has a unique pedagogical approach to learning, by listening, watching, reading, or discussing. I pay attention in class. Perhaps, it’s a residue of the “be a good boy” attitude instilled in me by mom and dad. 100% attendance is another one. I reckon I have to begin fighting these habits. I can’t focus on a screen because of time lag and the constant jittery noise of microphones. My brain can’t perceive the nuances of teaching, like the instructor’s body language or tone modulation. A certain class decorum like sitting at a desk and actually taking notes on paper. These things are important to me. Some of them couldn’t materialize. Who is to be blamed? No one. I am responsible for fucking up my JEE because it was all my fault (so does my father say).

I lost interest in learning after a day or two I guess. It was obvious nobody knew how to handle the new environment. Everything was hit and trial. Rampant cheating in examinations and assessments, incompetent invigilation, false positives. Examinations were the worst with static from the headphone, noises from a distracting environment, teachers shouting over a one-voice channel, sounds mixing in a mass of gibberish, I truly hated the experience. Then, there was rounding up innocent students who are genuinely writing the paper while the crook got away with their objective. (And yet after all that, they had the audacity to put a number to our capabilities at the end of the year).

I found other avenues to stimulate my curiosity. Reading blogs, discovering music, reading a lot of books. I started you. And then, I started to learn web development. I participated in hackathons and did freelancing. I introduced myself to so many ideas that nobody ever tells anyone. I had a whiff with reality. Last year was the happiest time. I have a head rush thinking about it now but I found myself.

Note: This year has been so confusing that most of these events have mushed up inside my head into one untangible mass that I can’t make sense of anymore. This might be anachronistic but this is roughly how I remember it to have happened.

And yet, looming in the dark was the shadow of the inevitable, the impeding JEE Advanced examination. I was enrolled in FIITJEE Kolkata in 9th grade. Back then, I didn’t know what the stakes were and even now, I don’t. My first point of failure: KVPY SX 2020 (which was conducted in Jan 2021 after postponements). I had an AIR of 520 in KVPY SA. Everybody at home was in gloom. I felt underconfident. And yet, I was nonchalant. In fact, it aggravated. The clubbed national level science olympiad examinations came and went. I felt nothing over those two days, no exam anxiety or excitement or fear. I had no idea where I was going. At that point, I had no one to talk to. The only real people were my parents who are generously uninterested about how I feel and my little sister who I wasn’t so close with. I was really alone. No online meets or voice calls. There were days where I could go on without using my vocal cords. Somehow, I got a FIITJEE friend’s number.

NTA announced 4 JEE Mains for my batch’s extraordinary circumstances. Mains 1 went horrible. I was a really bright and promising student in coaching and school. Mains 1 felt like I was a backbencher in some government house with a punk friend. The usual house drama ensued. I cried my fucking hearts out. Nobody cared about me. But I got serious. I knew I needed something hard to hit me to get me out of my stupor of academic inactivity. So, in essence, here I was: a promising student fucking up his life. But I studied. There wasn’t much time gap so I couldn’t be as prepared as I wanted to but I work very well in time-constrained environment. I have a short focus span but it’s incredibly focussed. I go into trances while working on something I love like software or writing. Anyway, the results showed. I was in the 99 percentile club. Just to skip a bit ahead in the story, this was to be my best performance in JEE Mains 2021. Then, somewhere towards the end of March, the second wave enrobed India.

Horrible news of dead bodies stacked. Mothers and fathers crying. People running for oxygen cylinders. I was pained. All schedules exams got postponed indefinitely. No time-constraints to work under! Things got bleak again. Classes kept trudging along painfully. I wasn’t even attending half of them now. I noticed myself coming up with alibis and lying to my parents. The truth was I couldn’t take it anymore. I tried to self-study a bit watching my friends all way more ahead and focussed than me. I tried explaining how I operate to my mother. All she did was looked at me in the eye, screamed at me and said something that hurt.

I tried reaching out online. Chatting aimlessly in Discord servers. Memorizing nonsense sticker codes. I quickly realised all that was not my forte. I even tried [Omegle][0]. Found a nice country Tennesse girl. Then, she got all weird about a relationship and I quickly ejected myself from the situation. A couple of days in a year of 365. I felt floating in space without an astronaut suit, unaware of which way was up. Somewhere around this time, IISERs (group of premier research institutions in India) opened their admission portal. I applied. But just because there was nothing else to do. My friends were confident about getting IITs. I wasn’t even sure how I would survive the year. Oh, and after much drama, the CBSE examinations (equivalent to high school graudation) got cancelled. I felt like banging my head against the wall.

Way too many people describe themselves as introvert these days on socials. Perhaps because it sounds so cool. Vulnerable. Warm. Approachable. Friendly. Mellow. Who doesn’t want to look like these? But, it’s funny how telling someone that you are introvert defeats the idea that you’re one. Can there be nothing that people won’t twist and manipulate for their own selfish good? Being an introvert is the worst possible thing in this world. I know how it feels. But here, I have said it.

And, then I found this girl on Omegle. I have a strange attraction towards older girls because they are more mature. They understand better the nuances of life. Or maybe because I’m just a precocious soul damned into a younger body. But we clicked. Past midnight talks on Instagram, voice messages (just two), writing blog posts about her. I was a totally different person. Four days into our courtship, I panicked. And then that was that. Pages of explanation in my diary. Hours of thinking about “what ifs”. And getting even more irritated by the fact that I was just like everybody else.

Generally, the other entrance examinations happen after the JEEs so people have a clear picture of their options. This year, it all went out the window. Ask people who cared, it was really stressful (Even now, as I’m writing this, some of my friends are still double-enrolled in two univs. Herd psychology). I applied for WBJEE (our state level engineering examination), ISI (premier mathematics institute), and UGEE (entrace exams to IIITs, go-to place for Computer Science research) hoping to get just about anything. I was desperate, anxious, and tired. 3 consecutive exams. All passed by in a blur. I remember a girl from FIITJEE (probably SPHS) who was at St. Xavier’s for the ISI exam and deciding the whole time if I should finally talk to her. I had seen her for 4 years without a ‘Hi’. In the end, I couldn’t. That’s all I remember. UGEE online interview was a stressful event. Waiting all day for a 5 min interaction. I didn’t get in. Mains 3 and 4 came and went by too. Somewhere around here, I applied for IISc just because I could. I had zero hope of getting in. WBJEE went horribly. Parents and relatives who knew I was good were shocked with my result. They expected a “top 10 rank”. My rank was 823. And then, I fucked up the choice filling. Everybody was confident I would get into JU as a buffer so I would concentrate on JEEA, based on my category. I got nothing. I remember the horror that ran down my spine as I logged in and saw the words “You have not been allotted any seat in round 1” in bright red smacked across the screen. I was dumbstruck. I couldn’t sleep. Then, the question hit me with terrific force, like being beaten against a rock: “What now?” I didn’t know. I knew I couldn’t get my dream seat in IIT now. It was simply too late. Advanced date was looming closer. I got my first vaccine. Gathered all my courage for one last time. Charted a gameplan. Do or die.

Received an email from IISc Bangalore. I was selected into their 4 year Bachelor of Science programme. I told this to my dad and he was elated. “Beta, IIT jaana hai ya IISc. Bus.” That was what he said few months back when I asked what he thinks I should do. Mom was okay with everything. My head was a little happier. Phew, a buffer. I know I would work hard for IIT. Computer Science. That’s the love of my life. The way fishes swim freely in the seas. Or the lion that roars so confidently in the jungle. I adore Computer Science just as much. It is my domain. Not for the packages or whatever the herd does but for the sheer love of learning the subject. I would work my ass off, wouldn’t I? Right? RIGHT?! And yet, a very very tiny but very sure voice in my head said, No. It said I would grow complacent and accept my fate at IISc even though fundamental research is not my interest. I was pained and hollow inside though I kept a smiling face to match everybody else’s around me.

After another traumatising episode of overcoming my reluctance to even appear for the exam (thank you papa), I isolated myself at my uncle’s spare house for a couple weeks before JEE Advanced, slated to finally happen on October 3rd, 2021, a date forever etched in my memory. I imagined what it would feel like after the exam. The sum total of 4 years of dedication and perseverance and sacrifices measured, graded, and assigned a number. Anyway, I learnt human anatomy sitting alone in that beautiful, quiet, airy room. I love being alone when I want to. I was with my books. My books. Not J.D. Lee or I.E. Irodov. I wrote stories. I wasted time. I watched movies (That’s how I completed “Back to the Future” trilogy). I just can’t operate in an environment where someone else tells me what to do. I didn’t study. It was impractical anyway. Moreover, to my horror, I noticed that I was moulding my ways into that of an IIScian. I talked as if I was already an IISc student and somehow I felt…proud of it. I became disgusted with myself. Not because being an IISc student is looked down upon (heck, it’s one of the most-sought after programmes in the country) but because of my inability to chart my own course and let fate decide my future as I complacently stood by. Who was I?

Exam day came and went. Just another day at TCS iON Sector 5 facility (6 exams in 2021 alone). Frantic ‘Hi’s and ‘Hello’s in the corridor to known faces, eyes meeting lots of strangers, collecting my bag from the basement vehicle parking lot, few FIITJEE friends discussing the paper trend, sitting in a friend’s car during a break, somebody taken admission CSE in JU (Jadavpur University) already, couple of them in BITS, and me talking about research and IISc putting on the bravest face I could muster. I went home and felt hollow. Papers and Answer Keys started pouring in. Discussions. My mind was totally shunned from all that. It’s slightly annoying how most people remember what they did a day before “the D-Day” but I don’t. I wasn’t studying though.

So, here I stood. IISc it would be. Done and dusted, no more questions asked. I went to school to collect some documents and teachers were elated to hear about my admission. Everybody regarded me with utmost cordiality and respect. To be fair, getting into IISc is a tough game. I studied the 4 years of BSc programme in front of me. Interacted with seniors. And I knew I didn’t want to do it. The programme is jam packed with academics. And all I had learnt in my previous personal learning experiences was that I wanted a lot of time of my own. So, in a way I was mutilating my dreams. But was there any choice?

Results announced. 13K GEN, ~3K category. FIITJEE felicitation ceremony. A good friend from my starting days at FIITJEE and a SPHSian (South Point High School) and me started talking and that’s when he said what I knew but wanted to hear from someone else: IISc is a completely different lifestyle. I didn’t say anything but I knew what he meant. The chronology gets really messed up here but I remember the final nail in the coffin came from a IISc senior who just stormed into our Whatsapp group and started spitting facts early one morning. That ironed my resolute and I knew this wasn’t for me. I remember this: Come to IISc only if you’re very sure you want to do this and nothing else. I remember I made a spreadsheet at one point. I was reluctant to sit for JoSAA because 1) I was humiliated by my rank 2) I had no fucking clue what sort of research goes into filling the choices, what branches were available at the IITs and what sort of trends exists. But I sat for the counselling.

Lack of knowledge, know-how, and expertise as highlighted above lead to a very erratic and erroneous counselling experience for me. Even now when I think about it, had I been more calculative about my choices I might have ended up at a “better” branch. I couldn’t optimize myself. Anyway, this started towards the end of October. I called distant seniors at various IITs asking for their advise. I literally begged people for the SAF (Seat Acceptance Fees) and I am so lucky and grateful to say (like everything else in my academic life till now), two people (my uncle and one of my teachers) procured the money at a very short notice. I won’t forget my uncle calling me to collect the money in an hour since I told him. That was the last day for entering JoSAA. If it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t have been an IITian. And then, the grueling month ahead began. Checking the JoSAA schedule. Learning about IITs steadily. I was alloted IIT KGP Metallurgical Engineering in my mock rounds and IIT Delhi Textile and Fibre Engineering in Round 1. After much thought, I opted to slide. But it was of not much use. For 6 rounds, I woke up each morning with a start and an uneasy chilling sensation down my spine. I felt terror. WTF was I doing? I had cancelled my candidature at IISc on October 30th. This was beyond the point of no return. I was always on my toes. No mistakes or reruns of the fucking WBJEE counselling episode because that would potentially mean a drop year for me. I was absolutely alone. No one to guide me. In the meantime, I met with my teachers here from middle school and so on. It is such a pleasant feeling to know some teachers adore you (because I was adorable and innocent in middle school I guess). Round 6 declared. 4 year Bachelor of Technology in Textile Engineering at IIT, Delhi.

I had taken an unprecedented full U-turn for my career path. Elders and uncles who knew me were convinced that I had no fucking clue what I wanted or was doing with my life which is only partially true. I was bittersweet. I knew I was going to one of the finest engineering schools in the country. The hub of innovation and creation. But whenever, I told them I was in Textile branch, all they uttered was, “Oh”. There. I was judged. But who are people to judge me? TT1 (as I soon learnt from the IITD handbook) was a low content course which meant more time to pursue my own passions and projects. IIT is supposed to be the ideal breeding grounds for my ideas. But I had a mountain of knowledge to assimilate first; the culture, academics, admission process, and so on.

Prepping at a mind numbing pace, in a matter of three to four days of stressful work, somehow my father and I have managed to procure the first semester money. That was a loan, of course. There were many, many unspoken hurdles that kept cropping along the way. The Income certificate offered a challenge. I was again saved by my extremely talented and knowledgeable father who knew exactly what to do. I was exhausted that day. In a couple of days, I had my certificate. Now, let’s elaborate on the IITD admission process which comprises filling around 15 forms, apart from documents and money. I remember not receiving the welcome email (which contained my entry number) because I was one of those who finalized later in JoSAA counselling. I remember paying the money, organizing, compressing, and submitting those PDFs. I began interacting with other students on Whatsapp and Discord. I started learning the IITD “lingo” (which to be honest, is an overdo and impractical). My parents started lecturing me on the climate and the girls. I just listened to everything. I was happy they were concerned about me. I calculated anticipated tuition fee for the programme and realised I have to apply for student loan. But those were the details. I felt a strange mix of anxiety, excitement, hope, and fear inside me.

And then, just like that, on an ordinary pleasant morning, I clicked the “JOIN” button into my first mock APL100 class and ushered the new life ahead of me.

PS: I asked a question boldly in Delhi accent in one of the classes and surprised myself. I was fitting in. And then, I thought to myself, “Eh, I’ll be fine”.