I was recently reminded of Bob Nystrom’s amazing 40 songs playlist and started humming back to those old tunes. The associated memories came flooding in, reminding me of times when there was less deadlines and more freedom. A couple years back, I tried making a similar list (see quote text below), trying to emulate and channel my inner nerdiness – it was heartening to see that the “quizzing bug” had not completely died and I still enjoy finding random nuggets of information on niche webpages for the sake of nothing.

This blog post is inspired by a post by Bob Nystrom, a PL scientist, coding geek, and music aficionado - in short, one of my earliest idols. But unlike the pretty bland, “40 songs”, title that Bob uses for his post, I sat wondering what I should call this post. The result, as you may see, is nothing fabulous.

However, the essence of this post remains the same. I turned 21 recently (a day back to be precise) and this post will list down 21 of my favourite songs that have shaped me into the person that I am today.

I am not sure how one should be internalising birthdays and to be honest, the conventional agreed social behaviour appears to be counter-intuitive to me. Why would you be celebrating the nearing of your own death? Or perhaps, it is precisely because of that that you wish to celebrate to the fullest. Anyways, human reasoning is complicated and I have grown to believe almost anything can be justified with a proper twisting of words given enough patience and time. In any case, I am twenty-one years old. It hits different when I say it out loud. The twenties.

Without further boring you with my lazy, half-assed attempts at being a philosophical genius, I’ll start:

~me, on 9th Jan 2024

On that slightly morbid wisdom from twenty-one year old me, let’s start:¹

The Awakening

1. Closer by The Chainsmokers and Halsey

If I close my eyes and try to recall the first song I could remember during the “phase” (you know), I can remember the upbeat and slightly naughty lyrics of this classic (“So baby, pull me closer in the backseat of your rover”). You can imagine what visual thoughts such lyrics would have provoked in the forming minds of a teenager. I remember it being all over the place too. There’s also Alan Walker’s songs like Fade, Darkside that I have memories of listening to on loop.

2. Shape of You by Ed Sheeran
3. A Thousand Years by Christina Perri
4. Kun Faya Kun by A. R. Rahman

The ‘Bob Nystrom’ phase

My cherished songs from Bob’s playlist which made me realise that the world is big and stretches beyond Anne Marie and Ed Sheeran in no particular order – Free Fallin’ by Tom Petty, Such Great Heights by The Postal Service, Evensong by The Innocence Mission, Gorecki by Lamb. Some fun ones were Stayin Alive by Bees Gees, Istanbul (Not Constanitople) by They Might Be Giants (watch the MV, its quite funny), Stand by Me by Ben E. King (countless artists have covered it but this remains the OG) – such simple but timeless lyrics:

“When the night has come
And the land is dark
And the moon is the only light we’ll see
No, I won’t be afraid
Oh, I won’t be afraid
Just as long as you stand
Stand by me”

Some of my fav instrumentals from this list were Children by Rob Miles (need I say more? It was top tier invoking the 90s techno era and images of Matrix-style green on black terminals, it was (is still) honey to the ears), Halcyon On and On by Orbital (this was an otherworldy song when I first listened to it), and Unspoken by Four Tet (the gradual buildup of the beat step by step is a signature of this song)

Got into some American folk with Fleet Foxes (Mykonos , and Blue Ridge Mountains) – I remember the album Shore with the song Featherweight just came out when I was just getting introduced to the band and I was jumping up and down (this was 2020 gosh). Just long stretching vowels over spritely acoustic guitar melodies.

“And you will go to Mykonos
With a vision of a gentle coast
And a sun to maybe dissipate
Shadows of the mess you made”

I used to listen to music for 10 hours at a stretch with my headphones on. Mother used to scold, Dad was furious and we didn’t used to talk for days – that was his way of expressing disapproval and it was brutal. The classic teenager angst phase, you know. Things were not going good in the academic and career side of things and also I had some family issues. I associate that time as an anxious, unwelcome, and distateful period of my life which I don’t want to look back at.

At the movies phase

This was the phase when I got my education. From movies. As a young, slighly autistic, extremely precocious teenager, I was left intellectually starved at my home without friends who shared similar interests. I turned to the movies which helped me understand aspects of existence I couldn’t. I still think I am poor at grasping and interpreting social cues and systems but the movies provided the idealist foundation on which I would build my castle so to speak. I remember pausing the credits scene to google each song that played and then finding random trivia information on them. I remember watching Perks of Being A Wallflower (which introduced me to Cocteau Twins via Perly Dew Drops Drop, Heros by David Bowie, but really please check out the whole playlist , it’s * chef’s kiss *) and a lot of John Hughes movies from the 80’s (Breakfast Club being my favourite - I love the cockiness of the soundtrack be it “We Are Not Alone” by Karla Devito or the famous one Don’t You Forget About Me by Simple Minds). There’s so much I can say about this phase.

1. Your Winter - Sister Hazel from 10 Things I Hate About You - a modern remake of Shakespeare’s The Tempest starring Heath Ledger.
2. Tugboard by Galaxie 500 – my crush in college used to listen to this song
3. Everybody Wants To Rule The World – Tears for Fears, I liked the optimism and ambition in this song.

I think this and the rock phase really helped me later in college days when for a brief, people respected me for being “that” MELA quizzer (nerdy music knowledge is niche amongst engineering students). That, in turn, helped me have some social leverage and make friends.

The Cocteau Twins phase

1. Donimo by CT from Treasure (1984)
2. Sugar Hiccup by CT – Lullabies to Violaine (V1) Compilation 2006
3. Cherry-coloured Funk – Heaven or Las Vegas 1990
4. The Spangle-Maker – The Pink Opaque 1986, that transition is otherworldly.

I remember I was sitting in bed and parents were asleep when I played Fotzepolitics for the first time and I had a revelation. Was this music too? I thought. And then slowly I was enamoured by Liz Fraser’s siren-like voice, pushing me deeper and deeper until I exhausted all of their discography (well, CT sits in that sweet spot with just the right amount of content which you can comfortably aspire to finish and not feel like wanting for more). I listened to EPs and extended EPs and rare collections. I also bought CDs from the UK which were my first international purchase. CT can be quite dark and morbid depending on what was going in Liz’s live back then but I have picked the playful, joyful ones here because I like this side of CT more.

You can hear me gushing over my CT love here , here , and here .

CT remained a small band when it was still together and only recently developed cult following after movies like PoBAW. Shoegaze was a phase nevertheless. I tried slowdive, rush, etc. Only thing that I still want to occassionally listen to is perhaps Beach House.

The Rock phase

This was the time when I used to rebuke “pop songs” – Queen, Boston, Clapton, The Rolling Stones and other rock legends were my “idols”. It was my phase of trying to be “different and sophisticated” whatever that means. And honestly, I enjoyed the 4/4 aggressive beats of the drum, the infectious riff of the electric guitar, and the shrill screaming of the lead vocals. I still remember downloading and watching a lot of these music videos – if you remember that old ass Gun’s and Roses music video for Sweet Child ‘O Mine with violent cuts and a cocky Axl Rose with girls chewing gum all over him. I remember the smoky, dark orange, almost apocalyptic mise-en-scene of Nirvana’s Smells Like Teen Spirit which I listened to on loop on my niche open-source VLC media player running on Linux on a bare bones dell laptop that I bought with money I won in a math competition.

Running Linux was my phase of saying fuck you to Windows and “evil corporations”. I was consuming a lot of Eric Raymond and hanging out on hardware and open source message boards and threads. I downloaded hundreds of books (some of them may not have been legal) that constituted what I call the “Fortress” - my own digital library. I programmed a custom catalog system to track each book, each category – the idea of using an available solution was beyond the minds of an arrogant teenager who thought he could conquer the world with code. This was also the time I started doing freelancing with Topcoder and earned my first $100 over the internet by just typing on my laptop. That shut my parents for a while and the underhanded rebukes momentarily paused.

It’s so hard to choose a favourite song from this phase but here are a few bands I loved – U2 (huge respect for Bono and what they have done on the humanitarian side), Led Zeppelin, Nirvana.

PS: Thankfully, I found Marx’s manifesto too boring for my restless mind. Also, I didn’t really get into extreme rock or metal phase.

The Romance phase

During the pandemic years, I got so bored that I turned to Omegle. I think everyone turned to the cyberspace seeking repose and companionship during those uncertain times. And then there was this random American girl who got crazy over me and I had to run away. Then there was this older girl who I totally fumbled lol. The songs from this period that I remember are:

1. Truly Madly Deeply by Savage Garden – I remember singing it along with that girl.
2. Layla by Derek and the Dominos. “Layla, darling, won’t you ease my worried mind?”
3. Send me an Angel – Real Life; it’s funny how nothing has changed at all.
4. A Different Age by Current Joys (suggested by someone special)
5. The Only Exception by Paramore (suggested by someone special)
6. Riptide by Vance Joy – the song I tried to learn to sing on my guitar for her.

The Pop phase

And then it happened. I swallowed my self-righteousness and started listening to “pop songs”. It felt like eating lots of cake and biryani after dieting for a week. It felt like cheating but it felt good.

There’s the usual Imagine Dragon’s Believer, Coldplay’s Yellow, and 1D’s Olivia. There’s Shawn Mendes’ Treat You Better that comes to mind and many more that I am missing. I liked Empire by Of Monsters and Men, Don’t Delete the Kisses by Wolf Alicem, and even Beautiful by Eminem. I was never really a diehard fan of this generation and never enjoyed rap and hip-hop as much. Although I did have a small stint with South Asian artists like Tahla Anjum and Rahgir in my college dorm with wingmates.

1. To The Sun and All The Cities in Between by City of the Sun 2016
2. Let Down by Radiohead (I used to believe one should listen to this song at least once every day), and Idioteque for its strange but familiar melody.
3. Breathless by Shankar Mahadevan

Urdu phase

With a dwindling in the number of “friends” and the grim reality of life settling in as I inched towards graduation, I found my own company more attractive and comforting. My social anxiety situation aggravated during this phase too. I started listening to more “introspective” songs and what is more introspective than Urdu?

Coke Studio remakes of classic qawwalis and ghazals formed the core, along with bands like Bayaan, Junoon, and Strings. I was returning home so to speak and found comfort in relatable lyrics sung in a relatable tongue. The music was anything but rock and I welcomed the change. Some of my favourites from this phase are:

1. Aadat by Jal
2. Tere Bin by Rabbi Shergill (written for his father and not a love song)
3. Lal Meri Pat and Khudi by Junoon
4. Chan Kithan by Ali Sethi
5. Farda by Bayaan

“فردا، او فردا، کیا سوچتا ہے؟
حالِ عدم سے کیوں بد گماں ہے؟
قطرہ-قطرہ زندگی ہے
بارش میں بھیگا تیرا جہاں ہے
…
کیوں دل میں جو الفاظ ہیں
سروں پے سجا کے کہتے نہیں
~Farda by Bayaan

An approximate attempt at translation by me

Why are you thinking in pieces and parts?
Why are you saddened by the state of affairs?
Drop by drop, there’s life
In rain is soaked, your world…
Why don’t you sing what’s in your heart?
And adore the tunes with your words?

Bayaan is that existential band with haunting, depressing Urdu lyrics presented as exquisite art so one is left wondering how to appreciate the mastery of the artist over the dark and grim reality it expounds. They speak of the present generation and the utterly hopelessness in the face of global war, conflicts, an unstable society in the brink of despair and chaos.

The Indie Rock scene

It was not long before I discovered talent closer to home. Indie hit bands like The Local Train, Yellow Diary, Mitraz (sad that they separated ;( ), looped through my playlists. I discovered Indian rock, not sure whether it was via Bollywood or not but I went the whole bit - Pineapple Express, Avial, Agam, Motherjane, Thaikuddam Bridge, ABC, and a lot more.

Gone were the days of aimless execution or as Claude would put it “dilly-dallying”. Love and romance had left me long ago and any attempt to change the status quo resulted in failure so I didn’t bother anymore. I had decided to do masters so I had one more year which I dedicated to work. As I grappled with that uneasy fact and what to do with my life, I started truly appreciating the beauty of music as a form of expression. I also grew spiritually in the confines of my hostel room. I lost my guitar due to my own negligence couple of months back.

1. Muraad by Euphony Official
2. Mindstreet by Motherjane
3. Faces of the Moon by The Western Ghats
4. Maa Rewa by Indian Ocean
5. Marz by The Yellow Diary
6. Basar by Diara
7. Shaam Tanha and I Believe by Agnee

The Qawalli phase

And then I discovered Ustad Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan and I had that warm, comforting feeling that I have arrived. I don’t know where I was travelling to but I was there now. The natural skill and talent aside, it was strange to hear this man from the past century sing so passionately about the exact emotions and feelings that were described by a poet in the 16th century. I felt reassured that I belong to that long tradition that involves love, loss, and eventually death and yet I was more disturbed and conflicted because it also implied my emotions were not significant. I wasn’t significant. Left to my own accords to reconcile myself with myself, I had to swallow my ambition and grew out of the experience, more humble. It helped me establish my general demeanour of being unconditionally kind to everyone, regardless of social standing or wealth or whatever.

I really cannot choose a specific Qawalli because it physically pains me to prefer one over the other. There’s the Persian NFAK, the main stream NFAK, the pop NFAK, then there’s the cult NFAK, then there’s the spiritual NFAK, and then there’s the brutally heartbroken NFAK, and then there’s the romantic NFAK and who knows what gem that I still haven’t discovered yet. I have spent days and nights learning about the arabic and persian translations and meanings of these qawallis. There are weeks when I am known to listen to the same qawalli on loop. Yes, weeks. I’ll not even go into too much NFAK as I’m afraid I won’t be able to do justice - perhaps a post for later.

Soon, I discovered Sabri Brothers, Farid Ayaz and Abu Muhammad, and Master Murali. I went to Hazrat Nizamuddin’s Dargah in Delhi and the qawwals there were okay. I have listend to Nizami Bandhu live twice and it was a surreal experience.

1. Aaj Sikran Mitran Di - NFAK
2. Jani Door Gaye - NFAK
3. Chaap Tilak Sab Chheeni - Farid Ayaz and Abu Muhammad (listen to this version)
4. Untitled Qawalli by Master Murali

“This is my plea: O arrogant Life-giver
‘Twas mere politeness that made me hesitate
Bless me, O Saqi, with that inspiring brew!
For God’s Sake, give the early riser, Hafiz, a few drops of this Wine
For the early morning prayer is most effective.
~Master Murali

The future

Who know? We’ll see and we’ll listen. Perhaps it is Ghazals and the rich Indian heritage of musics of the classic Hindustani and the Carnatics.

What are your favourite songs that shaped you as a person?

Footnotes

1. A small note: For ease of enumeration, I have tried to divide my auditory journey into phases but like everything in history, the reality is far more messier than what it looks, there were overlap of phases, there were intermixing and recombination of phases and what not. None of it should deter the reader from getting as chronologically accurate a picture as is of any practical concern.